When your adult child is battling addiction, it can be incredibly distressing, especially for elderly parents, but suicide is never the answer. Recently, in my hometown in Kerala, an elderly couple was found burned inside a car just a few kilometers from their home. This incident was widely reported in our national dailies, and Malayalam vernacular newspapers. The police investigation revealed that these grief-stricken parents took their own lives because of their son’s struggle with addiction. Their only son’s drug use led to daily arguments and violent outbursts, leaving them overwhelmed with worry and confusion about his inability to find stability in life. Ultimately, they lost hope and tragically chose to end their lives.
This was the case for Mathew and Sara (name changed), who, after retiring from Kuwait, felt they could no longer cope despite trying counselling and de-addiction programs. Mathew and Sara cared for their 32-year-old unemployed son, a college graduate struggling with anxiety, depression, and substance abuse. Having spent their entire working lives as expatriates in Kuwait, they had hoped for a peaceful retirement, but their son’s wayward behaviour drew them into a state of deep despair. Their days were spent cleaning up after their son, preparing meals, and feeling as if they were prisoners in their own home. The once-joyful couple found themselves trapped in a cycle of resentment and despair. The only relief they found was during their walks with their dog, something they mentioned in their suicide note. When an adult child shatters our hopes, goes against our values, or makes poor decisions which leads to subsequent turmoil, we question our parenting abilities.
Our doubts echo loudly: Was it my fault? Could this have been avoided if I were a better parent? Would things be different if I were more spiritual, or if we prayed more as a family? Did my scolding contribute to this? Would it have changed if we argued less? The relentless "what ifs" can erode a parent's confidence and peace of mind. One of life's deepest sorrows is witnessing a child squander their potential through poor decisions.
If you take on the consequences meant for your child, you deny them a crucial chance for growth and transformation. Their crisis doesn’t have to become yours. Crisis is often subjective; what you see as a crisis might not be perceived the same way by your child, and vice versa. Don’t let your adult children make their problems your own.
No doubt, watching our children make self-destructive choices can be one of the hardest forms of grief to endure, and it’s not something you can handle on our own. Consider the nurturing and supportive relationships in your life. This is why we have a program called ‘Open Up,’ where elders can seek our help. You can pour out your woes, and we listen with empathy.
